This post is the first of a 7-part series for parents on dealing with times of inconsistency, change, and disruption – such as we’re experiencing with the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States and around the world. Each post contains a strategy or concept that families may find useful as they navigate these strange times.

By now, you’ve probably seen many articles and tips from teachers, educators, and other child experts with suggestions for times like these. Most probably encourage parents to implement schedules with specific times of day for activities, to keep things moving and generate a sense of normalcy during the chaos. While the advice is prudent and following it would be tremendously helpful, the fact is most families are too overwhelmed to know where to start with such a task.

The strategies contained herein are intended to be much smaller and hopefully can be implemented relatively easily – even under stress. The objective is to reduce anxiety, stress, and exhaustion, for we all know there is enough of that going around!

This first post is meant to get us on the same page with some ideas and concepts that, if we can agree on them, will take us part of the way toward some strategies and tools that can help us to get through this.

Consistency is Like Food and Water

Consistency, for a child with autism, is like food and water. Readers who know me have heard this phrase countless times. The reason I repeat it as often as I do is because I believe it to be an essential truth. It is one I would wish we all, as parents and teachers of these children, would engrave on our hearts and minds.

Times of change, transition, and inconsistency are challenging for every family. For families of children with characteristics of autism, they are times of crisis. For children who thrive on consistency, schedules, routines, and sameness, these times are full of anxiety, confusion, and fear. Parents of these children experience the burden of this anxiety, confusion and frustration, and they know that to some degree, it is up to them to do something about it.

The problem is, many times of change come upon us suddenly. Several of our families recently lost their homes due to the tornadoes in Tennessee. At least one of those families have children whose school was destroyed as well, resulting in multiple weeks without school – only to find out the students would be attending another school for the rest of the year.

Meanwhile, a pandemic virus called COVID-19 has sent tremors across nearly every aspect of the lives of people worldwide, causing broad changes ranging from limited selection of grocery items; schools and universities closing, perhaps for the rest of the year; businesses shutting down; mandated town curfews; church services cancelled; and so forth.

Every day, we hear of more people becoming sick or infected, and people all around us are afraid of becoming so. Families have been forced to sequester themselves inside their homes, often with one or more parents having to work from home. Time apart from one another is greatly reduced, and emotions are heightened.

In short, times of fear and anxiety can cause even the most stable of adults to wonder whether tomorrow will be better, or worse. Conversations can turn from mundane topics to the most serious ones. For example, during this COVID-19 pandemic, many adults have begun to ruminate incessantly about the virus and its progress, lockdowns, and food shortages. They worry aloud about current or coming financial woes. They fret about being able to provide for their families if this goes on as long as the politicians and news media seem to suggest.

What about the effect of all of this on our children? Set aside for a moment actual concerns such as health, food, shelter, and so forth (concerns which, for most of us, have not come to fruition, even for those who are out of work.) How can the behaviors of parents, their emotions, their instability during this time of change affect their children?

Consider for a moment how carefully most parents try to protect their children from harmful influences. We are cautious about social media; we monitor the trends of young people in an effort to keep our children from the may unhealthy or unsavory ones; we don’t let them hang around with kids who seem to get into trouble; we dilute conversations around death, divorce, and sexuality because we know our children are not ready for the full force of those yet.

How well are we monitoring what we are saying and doing about the changes that have come to our lives of late? Do you think our children have noticed we are focusing a large part of our attention on the imminent dangers and troubles around us? How well have we protected our children from the effects of these influences on their developing minds and spirits?

The problem is, we can’t often see times of crisis until they are upon us. No one expects a tornado will upend their homes and their lives. Even most of the scientists who were following developments with the coronavirus overseas were not fully prepared for the impact it would have on their own communities. Even more predictable transitions tend to result in unexpected changes. Events like a death in the family, a marriage or divorce, vacation from school, or an invited houseguest tend to disrupt schedules, routines, and daily activities in more ways than we usually anticipate.
During a time of crisis or change, many parents find themselves taking everything minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. With ordinary routines and schedules disrupted, they feel off-balance, “on their heels” so to speak. This requires incredible amounts of cognitive processing and results in exhaustion for them and produces a host of negative results on their children.

Change is unavoidable. This is not to say consistency is impossible to attain. Consistency, after all, does not mean things are unchanging (which would also be a life that lacks excitement, novelty, newness, and where growth doesn’t happen.) What consistency means is that we will remain steadfast in how we deal with the changes that we know will come. This is different than having a plan. We’re talking about a way of life.

To have consistency, then, even more than we need a plan, we need to decide what is most important. We – and our children – need to know that in times of change, transition, and disruption, there are some things that do not change. They need to know that the foundation of our lives remains stable even when everything else is shaken.

Let’s consider some practical ways we can increase stability, without adding burdensome schedules, protocols, and demands to our already frazzled minds.

Non-condemnation clause:
Children are resilient. If anything you’ve just read has left you feeling guilty or thinking that you haven’t done everything you should, celebrate the realization that there are areas where you have fallen short of perfection. Then, move forward with a new commitment to work on this area of your parenting or teaching. Your kids will benefit more if you hurry up and quit kicking yourself. When and if you fail yet again in this or another area, try to remember that children are resilient beyond our imagination. Somehow, children are able to survive through our insolence, stubbornness, laziness, and/or [insert negative self-attribution here.] Now cheer up and try to keep these ideas in mind as you begin a new day. You’ll do fine.