This post is part of 3 of 7 in series for parents on dealing with times of inconsistency, change, and disruption – such as we’re experiencing with the COVID-19 pandemic in the United States and around the world. Each post contains a strategy or concept that families may find useful as they navigate these strange times.

By now, you’ve probably seen many articles and tips from teachers, educators, and other child experts with suggestions for times like these. Most probably encourage parents to implement schedules with specific times of day for activities, to keep things moving and generate a sense of normalcy during the chaos. While the advice is prudent and following it would be tremendously helpful, the fact is most families are too overwhelmed to know where to start with such a task.

The strategies contained herein are intended to be much smaller and hopefully can be implemented relatively easily – even under stress. The objective is to reduce anxiety, stress, and exhaustion, for we all know there is enough of that going around!

Sharing

This may seem like a strange strategy to include in a series about consistency in times of disruption, but sharing time can be a cornerstone of hope and trust in a home or classroom – and as anxiety creeps in, trust also diminishes. I often have suggested parents and teachers begin their day with their children by providing an opportunity for them to share anything they can think of – news, questions, worries, or just random thoughts.

Children wake up in the morning with thoughts, worries, plans, hopes, fears, and sundry emotions just like us. You may have noticed how frequently little children interrupt teachers and adults with off-topic questions or comments: “My birthday is coming up!” “My grandma is coming!” “My dad is going on a airplane!” “We’re going to Oklahoma!” Most teachers redirect these comments by letting the children know that now is not the time for sharing (which may be true) but they may forget to give them a time when sharing is appropriate and even expected.

Children often are not particularly good at describing their feelings, but most are able to report information. It is therefore up to the adults to try and discern the why behind the information, and discern the emotions that underlie what the children are saying.

When I taught in a residential school for children in foster care, children would tell me when their biological parent was coming for a visit. When I student exclaimed, “My dad’s coming tomorrow!” I came to understand children often held a confusing set of emotions beneath the surface. What I once interpreted simply as happy excitement was actually more like anxiety, worry, and even fear – with some hesitant excitement on top.

I began to notice that children found ways to meet their need to share with me and others, whether I provided a structured one or not. As I mentioned above, sometimes it was in the form of off-topic questions or comments during lessons or work times. Other times a child would misbehave and when I sat down with them to problem-solve with them or deliver a consequence, they would find a way to tell me what was on their hearts. Too often, though, the children who began their day with a burden on their minds or hearts simply were unable to focus in the activities of the day, or to put optimal effort into their work. Sometimes it wasn’t until much later that I discovered the possible cause of their distractibility.

After some time, I added Sharing Time to the top of our schedule for the day. Almost immediately after the children arrived in class, after we had reviewed the day’s activities, I offered an opportunity for anyone to share. This was not “Show and Tell” – actually, kids were only permitted to bring one item from home once per week, when we broadened sharing to things instead of thoughts. This was a time to tell me their birthdays were coming up, or that it is raining outside, or that they got new shoes, or that they are having tacos for dinner that night, or that the news talked about a shooting, or that they were going on a trip in the summer, or that they got braids, or that they hate math.

Sharing Time became an opportunity no only for the children to release some of what might be weighing them down, but it also provided some meaningful information to help me understand some of the setting events or outside factors that might affect their behavior, concentration, or motivation that day. I began to think of it as “emptying their heads” before I attempted as an educator to fill them up with new knowledge and skills. After all, if their brain was filled to capacity with their thoughts and concerns, how could I expect them to use it to learn?

From a (slightly) more scientific perspective, there are known limits to an individual’s working memory. Shortly, I would be expecting them not only to recall already-learned information from long-term memory, but also to integrate it with new information. One goal of sharing, therefore, is to free up as many cognitive resources as possible to make learning a little easier.

Give it a try. Start your day off with Sharing Time. While you might be tempted to do it informally, I would suggest formalizing it in some way – call it Sharing Time (or whatever you wish to call it) because, after a few times, you may find your children are storing up ideas, concerns, topics, and questions to share with you and the rest of the family. Join in yourself, so they understand sharing is not only for children. Do it early, before other things get in the way. And listen. Your children have much to share with you.

Non-condemnation clause:
Children are resilient. If anything you’ve just read has left you feeling guilty or thinking that you haven’t done everything you should, celebrate the realization that there are areas where you have fallen short of perfection. Then, move forward with a new commitment to work on this area of your parenting or teaching. Your kids will benefit more if you hurry up and quit kicking yourself. When and if you fail yet again in this or another area, try to remember that children are resilient beyond our imagination. Somehow, children are able to survive through our insolence, stubbornness, laziness, and/or [insert negative self-attribution here.] Now cheer up and try to keep these ideas in mind as you begin a new day. You’ll do fine.