Teaching Children to Request: The Power of Withholding

One of the most powerful ways to help a child develop language—whether through speech, signs, or a communication device—is also one of the most challenging: withholding.

Yes, withholding.

It might sound harsh at first, but let’s break it down. Children learn to communicate when they experience a need to communicate. And that need is clearest when you, the adult, have access to something the child wants—and you pause. You wait. You create the opportunity for the child to produce a meaningful behavior: a word, a sign, a gesture, or a press on an AAC (augmentative and alternative communication) device.

That moment of pause—that moment of withholding—is where communication is born.

Why Some Children Don’t Learn to Request

Many children who struggle with communication have developed other ways to get their needs met. They may grab your hand and pull you to the kitchen. They might point or grunt. They might cry, scream, or fall to the floor.

And what happens next is crucial.

Most parents—and even some teachers—give the child what they want. Not because they don’t care about communication, but because it’s hard to watch a child get upset. No one wants to feel like they’re denying a child something they desire, especially if that child is struggling. So they give in.

But here’s the problem:

That pattern teaches the child that words are ineffective and that crying works. And with each repetition, that pattern becomes stronger. Eventually, the child may stop even trying to talk, sign, or use their AAC device. Over time, this can lead to learned non-verbal behavior—even when the child has the capacity to communicate.

Most Children Can Learn Language

Language isn’t magic. It’s just associating something real with a symbol—a sound, a picture, a gesture, a text label. That’s it.

The challenge is that a child won’t bother learning that association unless it serves a purpose. If they can get what they want without using the symbol, why would they try something harder?

That’s why withholding is so essential. It teaches children that communication has value. That words (or signs or symbols) work.

Why So Many Classrooms Have High Shelves

Ever noticed how classrooms for early learners or children with developmental delays often have all the fun toys up high, out of reach?

It’s not to keep the kids out of trouble. It’s intentional. It’s strategic. It’s about creating opportunities to request.

When a child sees something exciting but can’t get to it without help, it becomes the perfect teaching moment. A well-trained team understands this: the child’s desire becomes the teacher’s opportunity.

If a child wants bubbles, the staff doesn’t immediately hand them over. They pause. They wait. They prompt. Maybe the child can say “buh.” Maybe they can sign “more.” Maybe they can point to a picture on their device. Whatever they can do, that’s what we reinforce.

The Heart of It: Teaching Through Withholding

The most important part of teaching a child to communicate is being willing to withhold—and having the patience and consistency to wait for the behavior that the child is capable of producing.

We don’t start by demanding full words. We shape.

If a child wants chips, maybe the starting point is “ch-ch-ch.” If it’s a cookie, maybe “c-c-c.”

Once that’s consistent, we shape it further—“coo,” then “cookie.”

Each step builds on the one before, and at every step, the key is the same:

The child gets the thing only when they attempt the communication we’re teaching.

This doesn’t mean being unkind. It means being committed.

It means knowing that the child’s frustration today is temporary, but the gift of communication will last a lifetime.

Crying Doesn’t Work—Talking Does

Children learn what works. If crying gets the cookie, they’ll cry for the cookie. But if crying doesn’t work—and making a sound does—they’ll try the sound. Soon, that sound becomes a word.

And that word opens up the world.

Bottom Line: If you want to teach a child to communicate, start by teaching this: Talking works. Crying doesn’t. And the way you teach that is by being willing to wait, to withhold, and to reinforce every honest attempt to connect.

That’s how language begins.